fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
