just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
3 2 1 whiskey
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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