News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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