I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
