I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
