i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
a search helicopter?!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
