Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
