YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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