just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
