i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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