tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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