Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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