It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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