dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize