He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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