Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
