Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
