For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We were destined to go to rehab together
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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