Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
