You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize