Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Enjoy the penises
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
