Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
