"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
