he was CRYING into my vagina
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
