I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
