Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
