we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
