So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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