I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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