you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize