I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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