Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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