I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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