Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
