3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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