We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
