one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
