i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
