You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
