ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
