he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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