When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
