after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
