It's like God shit irony all over that family
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
