My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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