You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
