I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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