Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
