i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
