tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
