I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
