i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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