dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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