I'm so fucking centered right now
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize