So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
